Changes…Dreams…Fears…Reality…

A year ago, I was content on what I was doing everyday, that is, wake up, dress up, commute to work, work, work, work, giggle and rant with my colleagues who are also my dearest friends, go home and fall into deep slumber.  The next day, it’s pretty much the same routine.  It’s that simple and I am happy with that. 

Early this year, I was assigned in New York to lead a project.  Quite unexpectedly, I liked it there.  Like, is actually the biggest understatement of the year.  I so loved New York and everything about it from its skyrocketing buildings to its forever busy streets, its extremely open-minded inhabitants and even its filthy, yet effective subways.  Yeah, I never thought I’d like to move to the US but when I actually got there, I realized I prejudged myself yet again and found myself not wanting to go home to my humble yet beloved country.  Oh New York, New York, what have you done to me?!

Now, I’m back to my homeland doing pretty much the same thing as I was doing last year.  But this time, I know I want something else.  I want to go back to New York and live the life I once lived there, but not for just 3 months but maybe for the rest of my life.  I know it sounds deluded and I know somewhere sometime, I might change my mind yet again but as of now, that’s my biggest desire.

MBA

My unprecedented trip to NY brought back my college dream of earning my MBA abroad.  That plan has long been forgotten.  I actually thought I lost the ambitious part of me and I have totally settled for what I have and just embraced whatever the tides of life shoved into my way.  Sometimes I ask myself “Did I really forget that MBA dream because I was already content with my life or I only forgot about it because I got too scared to further test my abilities and feared that I might not get into any of the best schools there is?”  Honestly, I think it’s the latter.  Deep inside me lies that great fear of rejection and failure, a great hurdle that I never even dared jump over for dread that even trying would knock me off balance and tear down everything that I have built all through these years.

I went into deep thinking when I got back home.  I wanted to be sure that I really wanted this MBA and not just find a ticket for me to get back to NY.  I confided with family and friends, sought the advice of former bosses, searched the net, read books and articles and what-have-you-nots.  But in the end, I know the answer lies deep within me.  NY is not the reason I want this MBA.  I have always wanted it, yearned for it even that I know that not getting it would only pull me deep into the throes of regret’s vast domain.  I do not want that to happen.  Just as I was thinking before I took my board exams 5 years ago, I’d rather fail knowing I tried rather than fail without even trying. 

I have my resolve.  I am plunging into this new world called MBA madness.  I know I will be leaving behind a “stable” everything – my job, my friends, my family, my home.  But I know I am embarking on a worthwhile journey, unhinged it may be, but win or lose, I know I am a step further to conquering my fears and developing my full potential. 

The Devil Wears Prada 2 and a whole lot more

The movie is soooo much better than the book! I don’t care if the whole plot was changed in fact it gave meaning to the story! It’s like the producers just bought the rights to the title and the concept of having an overly demanding boss in an extremely fashionable world where being the assistant of that stylish world is the “IT” thing for any girl who’s totally head over heels in love with fashion.  Other than that, there’s no other similarity.  Oh, well aside from the line which everyone tells Andy, “You have the job a million girls would die for.”  That, and nothing more.  Well, at least the movie has a plot.  Miranda has shown tinges of being human and Andy has given dignity to herself.  Everything didn’t go wasted with just a “Fuck yourself” line but a realization that in the end, it’s all about knowing what you want and doing your passion and not being swayed by the influences of others no matter how higher up the ladder they are.  You don’t have to kiss ass just to get yourself to where you want to.  You can go through far better ways than that without losing your dignity.  Your passion may be entirely different from everybody else’s but who cares, it’s your life! Live it the way you want to.  But live it with your dignity and self-respect intact. 

Self-respect.  It has been a favorite word of mine lately.  I’ve been through a lot this monthend.  I’ve been loaded with work and having a counterpart who treats colleagues like slaves doesn’t help in any bit.  Yeah, I reached my breaking point.  No sense in tolerating a person who makes you see yourself like an imbecile.  Despite all the office misdemeanors toward colleagues whom she treats like lower beings, nobody has made a move.  But I mustered the courage with the help of my managers and peers to at least let her realize her wrongdoings.  She may be close to the people at the top but surprisingly, I don’t feel scared at all.  It’s about time she’d be taught her lesson and make her aware of how low she makes other people feel.  I hope she takes it constructively and changes for the better.  Who knows, this may be the time for her good side (Giver her a chance! she may have one no matter how deeply buried it is.) to show. 

On to lighter things, my niece, Ayelle, is so hilarious!

Ayelle: Tita, penge ako pera.

Me: Bakit, aanhin mo ang pera?

Ayelle: (in a paawa effect and serious voice) Kse bibili ako ng pagkain.  Gutom na kse ako wla ako makain.  Pati nga kulangot ko kinakain ko na e.  Dagdagan mo na din pambili ko softdrinks kse yoko ng tubig wlang lasa.

She is so cute!!! I have no idea where she gets those palusot!  I definitely did not teach her anything like that! 

And Yuan is a sucker for pictures already. 

Kids are definitely a breath of fresh air!

Going Nowhere

I’ve been pondering a lot lately on what I would do with my life.  I am turning 27 in a few days and it seems like I don’t have a definite direction – I don’t have plans, no inspirations, not even a clear goal in my mind.  As always, I am walking like a zombie and goes wherever the wind of fate (if there is such a thing) is taking me. 

I’ve been trying hard to go back to my younger years when I have plans clearly laid out in my head.  Back then, I had a really focused mindset that no amount of pressuring from peers not even from a boyfriend could dissuade me from reaching that goal.  A boyfriend gets in the way, I leave him without batting an eyelash.  I know exactly what I want and I am willing the entire universe to conspire and help me reach my goal (ala The Alchemist).

What is the plan? Or should I say “was”?  I could still remember clearly what the plan was.  It all revolved around my career.  Yes, I don’t remember anything like having a love life or a family in my plan, at least not in the early years.  I clearly recall having said to myself that I would only marry in my 30s when I’ve fully accomplished my goals, at which time, my next goal would revolve around my family (pa, ma, sisters and their families), and of course my very own family. 

But somewhere along the way, I lost track.  I came to a point when I don’t even know what I wanted anymore.  I still don’t know what I want now.  All sorts of fears and demons in my head are stopping me from going back in track though I know that rising from the fall should only come from inside of me and not from anybody else.  No amount of pushing from anybody would do because I know very well that the force within myself is the strongest and only force that could rev up my engines and help me regain my momentum in life. 

Still, I need help. 

The Devil Wears Prada

As we all know, it now has a movie tie-in, which I hope, is better than the book.  The story’s pacing was so sloooow that I got bored most of the time and made me fall asleep.  The author allotted a big part of the story to relegating the unreasonableness, bitchy, and devilish attitude of Miranda (thank you for ruining my middle name! aarrghh!!!), Andy’s boss, that somewhere in the middle, I wanted to ask the author, “Hey, where the hell are you planning to take me, the reader?  You’ve already enumerated one too many designer names that I never heard of in my entire life but there seems to be no progress to your story?”.  Hopefully, when I see the movie, I’ll get to see and appreciate those designer clothes and accessories that were described like they were some kind of holy items that deserve some amount of worship worthy of the gods. 

After like 300 plus pages, the story finally changed pace.  Andy had some realizations about her work and how her whole life has revolved around Miranda in spite of the fact that she hates her with all her heart.  Even so, she remained committed to her job and went on neglecting her family, her BF and her best friend so she could finish the one year sentence with Miranda and be recommended as a writer to her most coveted The New Yorker.  But the author gave me a series of disappointments right through the end.  Andy realized things way too late, her entire life was ruined already and the one year was almost up when she told Miranda to go fuck herself.  It seems like Andy has lost all her dignity as a person to nothing in the end since she was not able to get the benefit of working for Miranda at all.  I would have loved it more had she done the fuck yourself thing to Miranda early on, when she was not that insulted yet by all the belittling and mean things a boss could possibly do to an assistant.  Moreover, she had said that thing right after Miranda has shown some amount of being a person who has feelings so to speak.  The fuck yourself didn’t even teach Miranda a thing.  She’s still that same bitchy boss right till the end.  Andy indeed became a writer though not for New Yorker and she lost her boyfriend too.  What happened to Christian? I also don’t know what he’s role is there.  He was introduced as a big time author well-known in the field one would think that he would help Andy get out of her hell job.  But there’s no such thing.  He just became the band-aid for some time when Andy and Alex (the BF) took a break. 

Boo! I was really disappointed with this book.  Poor plot and too much extravagance.  The movie’s got to be better!

Discovering Zambales, my Family and Friends, and Myself

My DKS best buds and I went home to my beloved hometown, Palauig, Zambales.  I was quite hesitant to let them come with me at this time since we can’t enjoy the “pride” of Zambales during August – no sumptuous mangoes to satisfy our forever hungry mouths, no calm beaches to let us swim in peace, not even the sun to help thaw and excrete the thickening fats in our bodies (eeeww!!!). 

 
But lo and behold! Even without those perks (which are the only attraction our dear Palauig can offer aside from its restful atmosphere), we had one helluva great time! We really are so easy to please.  Food, laughter, videoke and of course, the camera, keep us happy and sane altogether.  Hahaha!

In that little time, I’m glad to have my friends acquainted with the place where I had my formative years and hone me into the person I am now and get a deeper perspective of the person I am inside out.  As for me, I got to experience that nostalgic feeling when one sees something and a memory somewhere in our brains is tapped bringing back sensations from a distant place and time that is still close to heart.  Ooohhh! I love that feeling! It’s like everything and everyone is alive once again that a smile involuntarily forms in my lips and my heart feels like it’s being crushed in an unexpectedly pleasurable way.

God! I wish I can have the best of both worlds of Manila and Palauig all at the same time! But then again, I can’t.  It doesn’t matter anyway so long as I am in the company of very good friends who are amazing persons in their own way, and a loving family who showers me with everything I can ask for, life can never be more perfect!  Awwww!!!!

I’m so thankful that in the very political and competitive corporate world, I am able to find truer than the truest friends and even form friendships with friends of friends.  J  Gels, you just don’t know how you make me want to face the daily grind at work. No matter how tempting my bed looks, I get the spirit to drag my ass to work because I know I’ll laugh my lungs out with you guys even over the silliest things (like a *fart*), which makes my day and lets me forget my worries even for a while.  I’m even happier that Mama and Papa got to meet you.  At least they’ll be at peace knowing that I’m with good (though crazy) company.  I just wish you’ll meet my entire big family too next time so we can all sing and laugh together til we drop!!!

ROT SISTAHS FOREVER!!!