Changes…Dreams…Fears…Reality…

A year ago, I was content on what I was doing everyday, that is, wake up, dress up, commute to work, work, work, work, giggle and rant with my colleagues who are also my dearest friends, go home and fall into deep slumber.  The next day, it’s pretty much the same routine.  It’s that simple and I am happy with that. 

Early this year, I was assigned in New York to lead a project.  Quite unexpectedly, I liked it there.  Like, is actually the biggest understatement of the year.  I so loved New York and everything about it from its skyrocketing buildings to its forever busy streets, its extremely open-minded inhabitants and even its filthy, yet effective subways.  Yeah, I never thought I’d like to move to the US but when I actually got there, I realized I prejudged myself yet again and found myself not wanting to go home to my humble yet beloved country.  Oh New York, New York, what have you done to me?!

Now, I’m back to my homeland doing pretty much the same thing as I was doing last year.  But this time, I know I want something else.  I want to go back to New York and live the life I once lived there, but not for just 3 months but maybe for the rest of my life.  I know it sounds deluded and I know somewhere sometime, I might change my mind yet again but as of now, that’s my biggest desire.

MBA

My unprecedented trip to NY brought back my college dream of earning my MBA abroad.  That plan has long been forgotten.  I actually thought I lost the ambitious part of me and I have totally settled for what I have and just embraced whatever the tides of life shoved into my way.  Sometimes I ask myself “Did I really forget that MBA dream because I was already content with my life or I only forgot about it because I got too scared to further test my abilities and feared that I might not get into any of the best schools there is?”  Honestly, I think it’s the latter.  Deep inside me lies that great fear of rejection and failure, a great hurdle that I never even dared jump over for dread that even trying would knock me off balance and tear down everything that I have built all through these years.

I went into deep thinking when I got back home.  I wanted to be sure that I really wanted this MBA and not just find a ticket for me to get back to NY.  I confided with family and friends, sought the advice of former bosses, searched the net, read books and articles and what-have-you-nots.  But in the end, I know the answer lies deep within me.  NY is not the reason I want this MBA.  I have always wanted it, yearned for it even that I know that not getting it would only pull me deep into the throes of regret’s vast domain.  I do not want that to happen.  Just as I was thinking before I took my board exams 5 years ago, I’d rather fail knowing I tried rather than fail without even trying. 

I have my resolve.  I am plunging into this new world called MBA madness.  I know I will be leaving behind a “stable” everything – my job, my friends, my family, my home.  But I know I am embarking on a worthwhile journey, unhinged it may be, but win or lose, I know I am a step further to conquering my fears and developing my full potential.