Going Nowhere
September 3, 2006I’ve been pondering a lot lately on what I would do with my life. I am turning 27 in a few days and it seems like I don’t have a definite direction – I don’t have plans, no inspirations, not even a clear goal in my mind. As always, I am walking like a zombie and goes wherever the wind of fate (if there is such a thing) is taking me.
I’ve been trying hard to go back to my younger years when I have plans clearly laid out in my head. Back then, I had a really focused mindset that no amount of pressuring from peers not even from a boyfriend could dissuade me from reaching that goal. A boyfriend gets in the way, I leave him without batting an eyelash. I know exactly what I want and I am willing the entire universe to conspire and help me reach my goal (ala The Alchemist).
What is the plan? Or should I say “was”? I could still remember clearly what the plan was. It all revolved around my career. Yes, I don’t remember anything like having a love life or a family in my plan, at least not in the early years. I clearly recall having said to myself that I would only marry in my 30s when I’ve fully accomplished my goals, at which time, my next goal would revolve around my family (pa, ma, sisters and their families), and of course my very own family.
But somewhere along the way, I lost track. I came to a point when I don’t even know what I wanted anymore. I still don’t know what I want now. All sorts of fears and demons in my head are stopping me from going back in track though I know that rising from the fall should only come from inside of me and not from anybody else. No amount of pushing from anybody would do because I know very well that the force within myself is the strongest and only force that could rev up my engines and help me regain my momentum in life.
Still, I need help.
musta na? nice to see you having a great time there! keep blogging! 
