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What now?

August 9, 2006

I did what is probably the bravest act I could possibly do.  I said goodbye and I said it first.  No holding back, a goodbye with all its finality.  True, I still have doubts, fears, what ifs, endless questions left unanswered and will probably be left that way forever.  But I have to start learning to live my life on my own.  No chitchats, no notes, not even a smile, a wink or a meaningless space in between. 

 

What effect it has on you, I’ll never know.  It probably wouldn’t make a difference to you at all although it’s taking a total makeover of my whole routine.  Emotions spread through me at lightning speed with no premonitions whatsoever that they will come, no time for me to prepare, no resilient brain cells to let each memory pass.

 

But, surprisingly, I am OK.  As in A-OK! I find myself looking forward to what the future holds for me.  In spite of it all, the fact that there’s more to life than this is impressed on my being, the experience fully accepted as one of those steps a person has to take to move on higher up and closer to his/her dreams.  Although when you ask me now, what dreams I have and what exactly it is I want my life to be, I probably cannot answer as easily as my 3 year old nephew could answer on what he wants to eat among the choices laid out in front of him.  But I do know that I have a dream, lots of them for that matter.  I just need some time to go back to those times when my plans were all laid out like a red carpet in front of me and just waiting for me to walk on it with the careful steps and all the dignity of a deserving and more learned being. 

 

As of now, I’m taking one step, or baby steps, to put it more accurately, at a time.  I’m absorbing my life story as it unfolds page by page and not trying to trick fate by fast forwarding to the next chapter or peeping at the future climaxes, anticlimaxes, conflicts, or even the final act.  I’ll let the sands of time fall at its own pace and allow the thrill and suspense of not knowing what the future holds ignite more positive emotions and energy into the chronicle of my life. 

Posted by xxxcapades at 8:20 pm | permalink

Previous Comments

just be firm with your decision and hope this time its true na ha….omg you’re so strong and brave now!!! i’m happy for you. dont worry everything will be ok!!!

Posted by ducen at August 10, 2006, 8:31 pm

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