The Zahir

I’m currently reading The Zahir by Paulo Coelho.  I love his books.  I loved The Alchemist, empathized with Veronika, cried by the River Piedra and loved Eleven Minutes more.  I read his books more thoroughly than I do any other.  I literally go through each page very slowly so I can devour his thoughts, fathom the depths of the book’s message, and if possible, relate it to myself. 

This part made me think:

“Marie, let’s suppose that two firemen go into a forest to put out a small fire.  Afterward, when they emerge and go over to a stream, the face of one is all smeared with black, while the other man’s face is completely clean.  My question is this: Which of the two will wash his face?”

“That’s a silly question.  The one with the dirty face, of course.”

“No, the one with the dirty face will look at the other man and assume that he looks like him.  And, vice versa, the man with the clean face will see his colleague covered in grime and say to himself: I must be dirty too.  I’d better have a wash.”

“What are you trying to say?”

“I’m saying that, during the time I spent in the hospital, I came to realize that I was always looking for myself in the women I loved.  I looked at their lovely, clean faces and saw myself reflected in them.  They, on the other hand, looked at me and saw the dirt on my face and, however intelligent or self-confident they were, they ended up seeing themselves reflected in me and thinking that they were worse than they were.  Please, don’t let that happen to you.”

I would like to have added: that’s what happened to Esther, and I’ve only just realized it, remembering now how the look in her eyes changed.  I’d always absorbed her life and her energy, and that made me feel happy and confident, able to go forward.  She, on the other hand, had looked at me and felt ugly, diminished, because, as the years passed, my career – the career that she had done so much to make a reality – had relegated our relationship to second place.

If I was to see her again, my face needed to be as clean as hers.  Before I could find her, I must first find myself. 

To my friends who are religiously following the story of my life, they know how I’ve had several failed relationships enduring the most painful of heartaches, crying oceans of tears and forever blaming myself for the end of it all.  After all, I am the common factor for all those defunct love teams, am I not? 

I’ve long accepted that I can never sustain a relationship because I don’t know how to handle one.  Right in the middle of each affair, something goes wrong. I lose my security, my vivacity, then somehow, I lose myself. 

But is it really me who has the problem? Am I the fireman with the dirty face or with the clean one?  Or am I just choosing the wrong guys who suck up all my positive energy and run away with my luck? 

If so, do I still have hope? If I indeed eventually find myself, would I still have that luck and regain the energy I used to have?  Or would it all have drained out? 

I know I have to find myself…again.  I did it before and I lost it again.  I fear that if I’d find it, I’d lose it all over again.  Where do I start?  Does it ever end? 

Endless questions with all the possible answers…

Yes, I am lost.  Admitting to it is probably the starting point I’ve long been searching for. 

At one point, maybe I was the one with the dirty face.  At another, I own the clean face looking into my partner’s tarnished one.  Either way, I lost myself and have to search high and low for it.  Maybe he lost himself too.  At the right time, maybe we’ll both find our faces clean at the same time and be the perfect reflection of each other, during which time, we’ll both find fulfillment and peace…whoever he is…

respect begets respect?

If a person treats you without respect, could it be because you beget that treatment? Does anybody ever deserve to be treated with disrespect at all?  Does anybody have the right to regard you with disrespect even if that somebody is someone you love? When you love somebody do you also give that person the right to treat you with disrespect?  I think it’s more like you gave them the right to hurt you.  But does that include making you feel less of a decent person? Or am I just being too sensitive?   When I love, I give it all, I tell it all. I say what I want and I show what I feel.  I swallow my pride and admit to my mistakes.  I say sorry and take my part of the blame.  But admitting to my mistakes and my weaknesses and insecurities doesn’t give any person the right to make me feel less of a person.  I give love and I deserve to be loved back.  Loved not for the pleasure I can give but for the person that I am, with all my imperfections.  If for you, what you said was a joke, I took it to heart.  I can tell a joke from a real one and if it’s indeed a joke, it’s not a good one.  And in spite of it all, I didn’t even get a single word of regret from you.  A sorry would have done enough.  But I guess you think it’s just one of my dramas.  But it’s not.  Maybe it’s because you never listened to my woes that’s why I keep going on and on and on with them.    Maybe nobody deserves to be treated with disrespect at all.  Not from a stranger and most especially not from a loved one. Listening is one way of showing respect.  It’s a start.  If it evokes a sorry, then that would be great, but if not, I hope at least the listening moved emotions even in the slightest bit.    I know I’m weak but I hope you don’t make me any weaker.  Give me strength.  Treat me with respect.

I DID IT!!!

whooopeedoo!!!! i just finished playing prime suspects!!!

Sorry…but I can't contain myself!  hihi!

Death Encounter

Life is really unpredictable.  2 weeks ago I was celebrating my successful monthend with friends then after 3 days, I had a terrible headache, which persisted for days that became a week and somehow sent me calling on doctors.  I’ve been to 4 doctors in all and their reactions were quite alarming.  The look of perplexity in their faces is so obvious that I was taken aback.  But the biggest shock came when they told me that I am showing symptoms of brain tumor. 

Brain tumor???? I felt like I wanted to faint the minute I heard the word.  It felt like my whole world was suddenly changing and I can’t keep up with it.  Thoughts of my family and friends; my dreams, which will remain as that; my career, which will soon end; the husband whom I haven’t even met yet and the lovely children we would not be able to produce anymore flooded my head. 

The imminence of death suddenly changed my whole state of mind and lineup of priorities.  I thought of what was really important to me.  I forgot about work and didn’t mind my Vietnamese boss who seems not to care about anything but my tasks at the bank.  To hell with them, they can survive even if I die right this very minute.  I forgot about my littlest worries like having my hair permed again and my eyebrows done.  I thought of my dearest family and friends and how I will make them ready for what’s to come.  I thought of all the things I so wanted to say to them and make them feel but somehow never got the chance (or more like never having the guts) to show them.   

Surprisingly, the thought of death didn’t send me running.  The fear that was always there when death is around the corner didn’t come creeping inside me.  In my mind, I was already trying to maximize the time that’s probably left for me to make my life here in this world worthwhile and meaningful.  If they find my tumor to be malignant, I would ask my family for me to be left untreated.  I don’t want to spend my remaining days in the hospital trying to wait for a miracle to happen that will keep me alive.  I want to spend the last of my days with my family and friends laughing with them, sharing stories, making more memories and enjoying each moment I have with them.  If time permits, I would love to go somewhere serene with them.  I don’t care how far or much it would cost.  I would spend my insurance money doing the things I want with the people I love.  I don’t want to see tears.  I just want laughter and peace and love. 

I had my MRI results.  Thankfully, I don’t have brain tumor.  Maybe my brains just wanted to have a pictorial.  On a serious note though, I am thankful for the experience.  I learn to appreciate death and the other things in life that we tend to set aside for silly woes of everyday life.  Yes, we need to work to live.  But we don’t live to work.  We, specially those working in big companies, tend to forget that there are more important things in our lives that we need to invest time in.  We need to strike a balance in work and personal lives.  Remember that those companies and businesses will outlive us all and they will go on surviving even if you died and left all the work undone.  We have more important assignments in our personal and spiritual lives that need to be worked on continuously that will give us valuable lessons that will live on until the end of time. 

Death is not a scary thing after all.  Given a choice, I would want to know beforehand that I am dying so I can do the most important things that I tend to forget when things are normal. 

alien to their world

Last Friday night, we went to Mall of Asia for our week/month ender night out.  We were supposed to be there early to window shop and see what’s new but Kim and Ana experienced some glitches in their allocations at work that I had to wait for them til 11.  Ends up, only 5 of us were left for the night out.

We went to Bed Scene.  It was nice and cozy there and we had very good seats, luckily for us.  The service was quite fast for a full-packed club and the food was fairly good.  Or maybe we were just hungry. Haha! Twas one of those laid back nights, simple yet still fun.  Well, everything’s fun for us naman basta me camera!!!
 


Fete de la Musique was being held that same night at MOA (short for Mall of Asia! Syet! Pangit! Parang memorandum of agreement!).  Actually, that’s what we initially planned on seeing.  A friend of a friend of an officemate (layo!) told us about it.  Kme naman, hearing the title, e go! We thought it was some French event where some bands from all over have a showdown of some sort.